grow up already


sporty periods
August 29, 2008, 7:32 pm
Filed under: rant | Tags:

Did you know Playtex makes a Sport tampon? Yeah, I saw the commercial the other night while watching My Life on the D List.

Of course the stars of the commercial were athletic women doing all kinds of shit. One of them was even riding a bike in white spandex shorts. On her period.

I thought tampons were just an anatomically correct wad of bleached cotton that absorbs the stuff that occasionally comes trickling out of my cervix. I honestly did not think such a wondrous miracle of human ingenuity could be improved upon. So now I can’t decide if my own menstrual experiences are okay or merely subpar. I mean, I’ve had my period for like 12 years now and never once have I had to sit on the couch in sweats for five days due to my usage of economical regular tampons. But I’ve also never biked around in white spandex shorts. Am I missing out? Maybe I should be shelling out $6 for a box of 16 of these things and start embracing all of what life has to offer.

If it were an infomercial, the first scene would be a very average, frustrated looking woman in the bathroom crouching with her legs shoulder width apart. She’d scrunch her face in anger and toss something off camera. Then you’d see a closeup of a pile of tampon applicators, apparently unusable due to faulty workmanship. It would be worse than the times we cleaned our floors with mops and soapy water, or didn’t use 10-ply antibacterial pre-moistened towlettes on the counters. Cut back to her face. She says, “There’s go to be a better way!” And there is. There’s the Playtex Sport, with it’s No-Slip™ grip. Next thing you know, bitch is inserting tampons while hiking with friends and not even breaking her stride.

 Next we’d see a woman trying to get up off the couch. The second she stands up she gets this funny look on her face and looks down. A puddle of blood forms at her feet. “Are you tired of  basically bleeding all over everything every month?” The woman just sheepishly nods and runs off camera. There’s got to be a better way, maybe even better than leaking all over your sweats and god knows what else. There is: The Playtex Sport has unique 360° Coverage™ and a one-of-a-kind backup layer.

Without technologically superior blood-absorbing products, or disposable antibacterial cleaning products, or vitamin enhanced food products, us women would all be slovenly, incapacitated birds.

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secular kids are just better off
May 16, 2008, 11:33 am
Filed under: rant | Tags:

One of my favorite “slow day at the office” pasttimes is reading the comments on sfgate & sacbee. Of course today is a double whammy- it’s Friday and we’ve got hundreds of responses to yesterday’s Supreme Court ruling. Whenever people start hating on gays, the word “lifestyle” is used a lot. Or the word “agenda.” I have a major problem with that. If someone were to make reference to my lifestyle, they’d mean my job, level of alcohol consumption, dietary habits, drug usage, marital status, etc. But when it comes to gays, implied or not, it’s coming down to sexual relations.  Because really, in these conversations nobody is talking about typical lifestyle characteristics, and there wouldn’t be an “agenda” to mention if it didn’t involve imagined sexual overtones. In essence, these people who have a problem with the gay “lifestyle” are always thinking about man/man or girl/girl sex! Sex sex sex! A same-sex couple can’t even walk down the street without someone making light of what they do in the bedroom (“don’t shove your lifestyle down MY throat!”). Oh really? A who down your what now? And then they go on to label it as “freaky” or “perverted.” They’re peverts? YOU’RE a pervert!

Who’s sitting down their children and explaining things to them they probably don’t give a shit about? And shouldn’t? Let them go ride bikes and play with old cigarette butts out by the pool. Wait that last thing may have just been my parents.

I was raised with a sort of regular moral compass, devoid of hellfire or sin, and by the time I knew what gay meant, I would’ve been more concerned with the fact that they weren’t treated fairly than anything else. And as far as having direct knowledge of how they did the dirty? Never occurred to me. Perhaps this is why I have no problems with it now. I mean, think about it. If you’re a parent who’s all concerned with the abominable sin of homosexuality, your conversations are going to involve, well, the “abominations” of homosexuality. To lay all that on a kid at a young age is pretty unnecessary and, well, gross. We all thought straight people birds n’ bees stuff was weird too. But look at us now, we can’t get enough! However, if we weren’t so inclined by hormones, we may never have gotten over the shock of the “thing” going into the “down-there.” It would still be simultaneously haunting our dreams and weirding us the fuck out. A classic hallmark of unresolved issues. It’s not closeted homosexual tendencies (calling every homophobe a closet case is misguided and hurtful to actual gay people. Are all racists secretly black too?). Don’t lay that shit on your kids. Don’t make them weird forever. Just let it be and they’ll have more compassion than repression.

I forgot my point. Oh well. I’ll just say that in the last few years I’ve felt pretty short-changed history wise. Why did we have to grow up in the age of peak oil, global warming, terrorism and 24 hour news channels? When I was a kid I used to feel sorry for the people who lived and died in the Dark Ages, and I’ve sadly realized this may be the equivalent. But yesterday I felt happy, because something good happened.



To the guy who made the shitty mp3 of Queen’s “We Are The Champions”
October 26, 2007, 8:32 pm
Filed under: rant

Remember the first, heady days of Napster? (Wait, on that note- remember before Napster? When you had to scour mp3 webrings- remember webrings!?- for shitty homemade Geocities sites that hosted renamed mp3’s that you had to change in fucking DOS to get to work?)

The rise of Napster was like an Indiana-Jones style antidote back then. I remember going apeshit and embarking on all kinds of musical adventures. Songs I loved as a kid, taking chances on unknowns to expand my repetoire, building personal stockpiles of standards.

One of those standards was “We Are The Champions” by Queen. It was the first encounter I had with a really bad mp3. And we’re not talking the modern day iTunes volume-adjustment bad; that shit sounded like someone had held up a microphone to a boombox playing a tape and the boombox was low on batteries. I deleted it upon first listen and forgot about it for awhile.

So fast forward seven years. I’m at a party where the stereo has been hijacked by my boyfriend’s iTrip. We decide to listen to Queen. And from the first notes, I knew he had the same exact rip of that file. You probably have it too. Look up Queen on the old harddrive. Now check out your “We Are The Champions” mp3. If Freddy Mercury sounds like a forlorn drag queen high on opium, or a sleepy Great Dane’s thoughts, you’ve got the same one.

Seven fucking years and nobody has bothered to replace that sorry excuse of an mp3 and spread it around? Who made it? And what, might I ask, the fuck were you thinking? “I’d like to give this em pee three thing a try…I know! I’ll drag out that Queen 20th Century Masters of the Millennium tape I bought at a garage sale five years ago, grab my My First Sony, rig the microphone up the computer, and- uh oh, looks like the Energizer On-Battery Tester is a bit low, oh well. Must. Rip. QUEEN.” This wasn’t the work of someone trying to burn a CD, this was pure tweaker tomfoolery. This was worse than the time my car got put on jacks and moved because I inadvertently parked it in front of a meth lab.

Well, sir, I’d like to extend the world’s most sarcastic thanks to you. Because of you, I haven’t heard a normal version of We Are The Champions in seven goddamn years, unless it was on the radio. I’ve tried downloading it multiple times on subsequent P2P file-sharing networks and I always get your fucking awful version. Even at different bitrates! Riddle me that! Your piece of shit, it seems, will continue to live in mp3 history forever.