grow up already

oh dear jesus
October 27, 2008, 9:43 pm
Filed under: quarter life crisis

this is what i get for dating a guy who is bisexual.

i like elliott smith now.


late night
June 4, 2008, 1:16 am
Filed under: quarter life crisis

i do get the most ridiculous crushes on dudes. it’s terrible. i’ll basically pine for them. but thank christ i do not ACT on them. i keep it to my fucking self (and 8 of my closest friends). at most i’ll talk to the guy. i’ve been crushing on a friend-of-a-friend in sacramento for a few weeks. he’s fucking dreamy, ok? so tonight i was at a party at his house and made somewhat of an attempt to speak to him. he either ignored or didn’t hear me. either way it was game over. maybe that’s premature or lame, maybe his extremely tall stature genuinely makes hearing short girls a problem. i don’t know and i don’t care. that’s as far as i go, i guess. 

and i’m home, about to put on the simpsons and eat some ice cream. for a second i thought that might be pathetic, like am i actually going home and watching the simpsons and eating ice cream the night i possibly got rejected by a hot guy? well, yes. when i was younger i would’ve either (a) stuck around, got more wasted and made more attempts at communication or (b) came home, watched the simpsons, ate ice cream and felt like a total loser because i wasn’t sticking around, getting more wasted and making more attempts at communication. i love how when you’re older you actually feel good about this stuff, even if it reads like a scene out of “he’s just not that into you.”

This pink cloud
August 14, 2007, 2:58 pm
Filed under: alcohol, quarter life crisis

is starting to wear off. Life is once again boring, hard and kind of lonely. I have been dreaming about drinking. I’ve been having long conversations in my head about when it might be ok to drink again (on vacation? In five years?).

I’ve been bored.

Alcohol is one of life’s greatest distractions. It shields inadequacies about self and situation. Without it, certain things are so fucking obvious: I am not a writer, I go days without the pressure of skin against skin, I do not have any money. And I have absolutely nothing to blame these things on. Without it, it’s obvious we are simply standing around but now nothing tricks me into wanting to stay.

I know there’s more to giving something up than this. I feel like I traded in self-destruction for…well, nothing. Something for nothing.

bleezies n heem
July 25, 2007, 9:29 am
Filed under: quarter life crisis

So I didn’t just need more coffee this morning. My life really did suck.

After spending much of the day debating, I decided to come back to the Bay Area. I don’t want to speculate on potential details yet so I’ll just say: Did y’all MISS ME? Cause I missed almost everything about you!!

This weekend I was at a party in the Mission, standing on a balcony over an overpacked backyard when “Ayo for Yayo” came on. Nothing like being back in SF for the weekend and seeing a hundred people get excited over a Nickatina song. I looked down and saw a group of four dorks dancing and singing “Ayo for yayo, walk around with yayo, all in my nasal, I musta been craze yo!” in their high-pitched girl singing voices. Man, that song isn’t for singing. It’s for looking back and breathing a sigh of relief that you don’t still, well, walk around with yayo all in your nasal. Duh.

I can’t wait to get back.

ever have one of those days
July 24, 2007, 10:12 pm
Filed under: quarter life crisis

Where every possible decision you can make just seems like a big pile of shit? I am. Instead of rejoicing in the fact that I am unemcumbered by any real commitments or tie-downs, I’ve spent the past six hours systematically highlighting the negatives of any possible direction life can take.

Move to Portland? Wouldn’t know where to begin. I see a hill in that picture. What if I end up living somewhere shitty and out of the way?

 Move back to San Francisco? What the fuck, been there, done that. So I can run around and party all the time? What if I start drinking again? Do I really want such a hectic existence? Think of the fog. Imagine life as a long commute to and from SF State in the fog. Imagine the $700 rent and astronomical student loan debt.

Stay in Sacramento? What the fuck,  I’ve been here for two years. Nothing has been accomplished. If I’m going to sit around not accomplishing anything, why in the fuck do it in Sacramento?

Or like, fuck where I live and finally start working on a real project, the one I’ve been thinking about doing for years? How you uh, how you comin’ on that novel you’re working on? Huh? Gotta a big, uh, big stack of papers there? Gotta, gotta nice litte story you’re working on there? Your big novel you’ve been working on for 3 years? Huh? Gotta, gotta compelling protaganist? Yeah? Gotta obstacle for him to overcome? Huh? Gotta story brewing there? Working on, working on that for quite some time? Huh? Yea, talking about that 3 years ago. Been working on that the whole time? Nice little narrative? Beginning, middle, and end? Some friends become enemies, some enemies become friends? At the end your main character is richer from the experience? Yeah? Yeah?

Whatever the case, I hate my life right now. Something needs to be done. This seems to happen once every couple of months. Perhaps I only need more coffee.