grow up already

the “aaaaahh” moment
July 15, 2010, 1:58 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

I have tried to quit smoking several times in the last couple of years. The first serious attempt in 2008 ended when I smoked a cigarette sometime during the 3rd day…which is the time of the peak physical nicotine withdrawal. Holy shit. That cigarette didn’t make me go “aaahh,” it made me fall limply back into my seat, every nerve ending alive with pleasure. It felt exactly like the time I got an IV drip of Dilaudid in the emergency room. It felt that good.

Several times I’ve made it past the 72 hour mark, which at that point your body is technically clear of nicotine. Your urges are still urges, but they are not brought on by actual withdrawal, just old nicotine feeding cues and psychological desires. The last time I quit I made it 11 days but had that desire of “just one” “once in awhile” so I still occasionally experience the dopamine explosion that a smoker gets when they haven’t had a cigarette in awhile.

So I lit that “just one” up and it felt and tasted like the first cigarette I ever smoked. Completely bereft of pleasure or relief, just a hot mess of burning tobacco, chemicals, and stink. It tasted like shit and made me feel lightheaded. No aaaahhh…quite anticlimactic. Except for the fact that within three days I was smoking a pack a day again.

If you’re at the point where the physical withdrawal has subsided and you’re fantasizing about that one cigarette, the best one you’ve ever had, you won’t get it by having one. There will be no aaaaaahhh because you won’t be replenishing a depleted nicotine supply. You don’t have any nicotine in your body anymore.


watching a capitol punishment show
July 6, 2010, 10:48 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

recorded the “explorer: inside death row” show on nat geo today. i’m like 15 minutes in and i’m already crying for the guy that’s going to get the lethal injection and agreeing with the former warden who helped with “over 100” executions and says, “we knew what they had done…and it wasn’t pretty…there weren’t any guys who ‘i don’t know if they should have gotten the death sentence for this or not, no man they should’ve shot him the minute they found him.'” the guy that is about to get executed is david martinez. he bludgeoned to death a girlfriend and her son in a drunken rage. the show never brings up the forensics or any proof whether or not he did it; we are lead to just assume that yes, questions regarding his innocence have been asked, and that is why they are covering him.

i guess what is left is how we are supposed to feel about him dying, and his speaking about dying to a camera and knowing about dying ahead of time. even his victims had the luxury of not knowing, if that is a luxury at all. and we are supposed to think about his family members and how they feel, as well as the family members of the woman and young boy he killed. it seems like lose/lose for all involved. the father of the young boy killed by martinez says he wishes his lethal injection would’ve been more violent and painful, to more closely match the pain martinez inflicted upon his son. and martinez’s daughter is there, viewing his body afterwards, sobbing. it is heartbreaking. but both are! what is more sad, honestly?

what we don’t see are the victim’s families reactions to the news of the death of their own.

creating this sadness for martinez’s family isn’t “winning,” but i still think that, as in history until now, vengeance is as human of an urge as any. no matter how civilized we are, it still brings some type of comfort to a lot of victim’s familys. god i don’t want to know what kind of comfort that is. i don’t think it’s the type of comfort you or i may know about, ever.