grow up already

foresthill bridge pt. 2
March 25, 2010, 12:21 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

The Foresthill Bridge has opened a can of worms for me, and it started the day I saw it. I never really thought about people dying by jumping from bridges or other tall things. Now I think about it often, and I’m sad every time I hear about someone doing it. I am drawn to this. I should add that I’m not considering it. At least no more than the consideration of the existential question inside all of us when we’re up high: What if I jumped?

I just wonder how it must feel to be standing up there. Jumpers have a much higher success rate than other methods, and yet it is considered an impulsive act. What I’m going to wonder about next, I’m sorry to anyone reading this who might have found it because a loved one died by jumping (especially at the Foresthill Bridge, the term “Foresthill Bridge suicide” draws a lot of views to this blog). But when I hear about a suicide there, I think about how long it takes to fall. It takes 10 seconds, over twice as long as the the Golden Gate (4 seconds). I do not think about the rest, most people wouldn’t be conscious or cognizant anymore.

I wish there was always someone at that bridge to let people know they matter. Even if they don’t think they matter to those around them, when they jump it matters to me.

As much as I enjoy an unencumbered chance to look at the divide, to scare myself with that question we all (or all should) ask: What if I jumped? And for us, we step down, almost punch drunk with the fear and the delight of affirmation that no! we will not, would not ever, jump. But for the people who do not look at the divide with childish assertions of life and desire for life, what of them? I wish there was a barrier there. It would say: It matters to us.


another kind of wednesday night
March 24, 2010, 11:53 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

tonight i stayed up because i heard it was going to rain. it hasn’t for a couple of weeks so i knew it would make that rain smell.

i was outside just as it started. i leaned over the balcony and started inhaling deeply. nothing except cold air burning my nose. i told myself to calm down, assured myself the smell would come. and after the ground got wetter, maybe after another 30 seconds, which felt like too long, like i should give up, after i had thought of several reasons why the smell was not going to come this time (ground not hot enough or dry enough, too soon since last rain? et cetera) it came to me.

i just peaked out the window. it’s not raining anymore and it’s still there!