grow up already


The Foresthill Bridge
June 17, 2009, 4:10 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

This morning I woke up at 4am. At around 9am I decided I wanted to take a drive. I took 50 East to Placerville and noticed a sign for Hwy 49 to Auburn and took that route.

So I’ve heard of the Foresthill Bridge, because it was in that movie xXx. Actually I saw that stupid movie. I had no idea it was visible from 49 and today it just poof! popped into view  while I was trying to navigate road work lane closures. I was absolutely mesmerized. I almost rear ended the Lumina in front of me twice. What is it about that bridge?

I went home and started researching. It’s the tallest bridge in California, standing 730 feet. Doesn’t sound like much but considering the Golden Gate is only 200 something feet off the Bay, you get the idea. Actually, imagine that all of the water underneath the GG vanished (maybe that will happen one day before a tsunami?). It would look really fucking tall. And that’s the Foresthill Bridge, all the time. It was built to replace the old, much shorter Foresthill Bridge when the Auburn Dam was a possibility. The bridge was never meant to be that way, and if the canyon below it were to be flooded for the dam as planned, you would only see the metal underside.

It would only be 130 feet higher than the surface of the water. Nobody would jump off of it to commit suicide. While I couldn’t find an exact number for suicides, since 1973 44 people have fallen or jumped. In 2005 a man hung himself from the bridge. In 2007 a couple jumped together, bringing their pet dog with them.

After a 19 year old jumped, his friends & family left a journal on the bridge. Inside were their memorials to him. The journal remained for awhile (is it still there?) and eventually there were two more entries:

“My name is Crissy. I came here to jump today, but now I can’t.”

“Seeing everything people have put here and what they have to say about you makes me think I don’t even know you and you have saved my life.”

There are people who think the bridge is at the center of something called a “temporal nexus” because it appears straight at every angle except from Google Earth, where a strange bend (or shadow? bendy shadow?) can be seen.

What is it about this bridge? I need to go back and walk across.

this is it, man

this is it, man



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perverted undertone; summer song
June 8, 2009, 1:27 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

just downloaded a shitload of prefuse 73. listening to perverted undertone. god this reminds me of justin. the first time i heard this song, we had been hanging out for like a week. i had been at his house all night, possibly the night of The Scene.* he had put on some mixtape with a bunch of prefuse on it and was helping his roommate clean their apartment while i lounged on the couch. i was leaning out the window and smoking a cigarette and this song came on and it made everything so perfect. the total contentment of that moment amazed me because it might have been the first time since trevor died that i was happy.  even better was the fact that i got to enjoy it alone while he was simply nearby. when i finished my cigarette i dozed off, still feeling that way. later he woke me up (still there! didn’t dream it!) and took me to bed.  he really fucking got to me.  i still think about him. all the what-the-fucks and he’s-just-not-that-into-you won’t change it.

it was things like these feelings and the objective shit combined. how we both loved the movie short circuit, mutual laughage at eachother’s jokes, how he knew and loved every song on my ipod right down to the slim whitman, his own taste in music getting me into a record four bands in three weeks, how he looked like a motherfucking male model except much dirtier, the way he called me after a fishing trip to wish me goodnight and never called me again. all of these things and The Scene* are absolutely megan bait.

i’m over it in the not-a-stalker sense. i think a big reason i still want him is because sometimes it’s nice to feel that fire inside. and someone you only knew for three weeks is perfect for that. nevertheless i’d still accept a longer timeline, even if it gave him the chance to suck as much as everyone else does.

* The Scene is this: one day we went fishing and caught dinner. so that night we’re back at his place and i walk into the kitchen and i see him sorta swaying to kool keith, shirtless with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth, pouring his beer into some kind of marinade for our fish. how can you forget someone who does these things?

summer song is just matt. i thought it was so cool and deep that he liked atmosphere. he left a couple of lines from summer song on my myspace once. they were “there she goes with that look in her eyes/the souls of those that got took by surprise” and i thought it was so cool and deep that he had chosen them. he didn’t even write them though. fucking pathetic. if there are any 7th graders (or um, extremely stupid 22 year olds) reading this, let the spectacular failure of that relationship be a lesson to you: someone knowing which song lyrics are “just right” doesn’t mean shit. in fact, it means they’re a bigger prick than someone who just says what’s on their mind, however ineloquent that might be.