grow up already

sporty periods
August 29, 2008, 7:32 pm
Filed under: rant | Tags:

Did you know Playtex makes a Sport tampon? Yeah, I saw the commercial the other night while watching My Life on the D List.

Of course the stars of the commercial were athletic women doing all kinds of shit. One of them was even riding a bike in white spandex shorts. On her period.

I thought tampons were just an anatomically correct wad of bleached cotton that absorbs the stuff that occasionally comes trickling out of my cervix. I honestly did not think such a wondrous miracle of human ingenuity could be improved upon. So now I can’t decide if my own menstrual experiences are okay or merely subpar. I mean, I’ve had my period for like 12 years now and never once have I had to sit on the couch in sweats for five days due to my usage of economical regular tampons. But I’ve also never biked around in white spandex shorts. Am I missing out? Maybe I should be shelling out $6 for a box of 16 of these things and start embracing all of what life has to offer.

If it were an infomercial, the first scene would be a very average, frustrated looking woman in the bathroom crouching with her legs shoulder width apart. She’d scrunch her face in anger and toss something off camera. Then you’d see a closeup of a pile of tampon applicators, apparently unusable due to faulty workmanship. It would be worse than the times we cleaned our floors with mops and soapy water, or didn’t use 10-ply antibacterial pre-moistened towlettes on the counters. Cut back to her face. She says, “There’s go to be a better way!” And there is. There’s the Playtex Sport, with it’s No-Slip™ grip. Next thing you know, bitch is inserting tampons while hiking with friends and not even breaking her stride.

 Next we’d see a woman trying to get up off the couch. The second she stands up she gets this funny look on her face and looks down. A puddle of blood forms at her feet. “Are you tired of  basically bleeding all over everything every month?” The woman just sheepishly nods and runs off camera. There’s got to be a better way, maybe even better than leaking all over your sweats and god knows what else. There is: The Playtex Sport has unique 360° Coverage™ and a one-of-a-kind backup layer.

Without technologically superior blood-absorbing products, or disposable antibacterial cleaning products, or vitamin enhanced food products, us women would all be slovenly, incapacitated birds.


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