grow up already


i did either a very bad or funny thing
August 29, 2008, 11:29 am
Filed under: tmi | Tags:

My ex was at my house on Tuesday morning and he left his email signed in. Three days later when I went to check my own mail I was greeted with “Welcome, John! You have 24 unread messages!”

Well, he always was a lying son of a bitch. And he’s been trying to weasel his way back into my life. I read his email, hoping to find some proof that he’s still talking to the girl he cheated on me with, the one he claims he hasn’t seen since I dumped him. He even went so far as to explain how he’s “off women” in general right now, and all he does is work and visit his kid.

So not only do I find correspondence between him & C., I find no less than 10 responses to personal ads on craigslist in his Sent folder. And they weren’t regular personal ads if you know what I mean. One bragged about his “great” massages, another cheerily professed a love of “licken on tits.” Almost all pointed out his “tite body.” He never was much of a speller.

At that point I had to run to the bathroom cause I have a sensitive stomach.

When I got back from the bathroom, I decided to just finish reading C.’s emails, sign out and get started on the business of being totally fucking weirded out that my ex is trying to get laid via the internet.

Until I got to the message that said, “I wish I was wearing your sweatshirt right now, changing the smell of it.” A few days before I dumped him, I called him out because his sweatshirt had developed a very strong scent of body odor and Victoria’s Secret lotion.

So you wish you were “changing the smell of it?” Well I wish I was forwarding all of those personal ad responses to you right now, which will no doubt change the smell of whatever you’re wearing when you read them.

So I did. All of ’em. And a request to “meet up” with a girl who wrote back. As a finishing touch I sent one last email entitled “Merry Christmas!” in which I explained that the dumb asshole had left his account signed in, and this is what I found. I pointed out that he has repeatedly told me that he has not had any contact with any girls, and definitely not her. Lastly, I let her know that I would’ve broken up with him anyways, but since she chose to involve herself so directly in our relationship’s demise, here you go. You are in like Flynn.

She will not want to read them all but she will. Some will sting more than others but they’ll ultimately blur into a big pile of hurt feelings. It will probably mirror what I felt when I discovered their lengthy text conversations.

What she chooses to do with this information is her problem. I’m sure she’ll get the I-was-in-a-bad-place talk. Wouldn’t be surprised if she bought it. But she’ll keep the gift receipt, she won’t forget.

I did/do feel bad about such an intense violation of his privacy. While considering the ethical implications of the situation, I also considered him stealing my money, hanging out with C. behind my back, lying to me about both, and as the grand finale I imagined him doing a line of coke that my money had inadvertently purchased. Besides, he left his email signed in on my computer. I’m fucking telling you, something up there likes me. No bad karma here.

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