grow up already

it did, in fact, cause me to question my own intelligence
August 30, 2008, 1:01 am
Filed under: tmi | Tags:

RE: the many, many warning bells that failed to go off (or, fuck it- DID)

Yeah, I’m for sure noticing that last post about my ex makes me sound about as smart as a sack of stoned garden gnomes. got it. check. insert maury povich joke here. how i managed to stay with this dude even long enough for him to commit such a variety of injustices is bothering me.

it’s funny cause i’m usually single, and always thought of myself as the one who was independent. you know how everyone knows a few girls who always have boyfriends? opposite!

but really, i’ve been in more relationships than anyone i know. mine are just shorter. which in essence means less successful. and all those man problems that only happen to other, stupider people? drugs, domestic violence, cheating, liars, thieves? i’ve had them all. i’ve just always left when shit would come to light and i’ve always thought that made me smart. but what’s so smart about picking people like this in the first place? what, exactly, is so fucking smart about leaving a place you shouldn’t have been to? what if you saw someone on the 5 o’clock news who was all, “well, i walked into the building when i noticed flames coming out of a second story window. i hung around for awhile until the smoke got real thick and i started to choke. then the building started to collapse. and then i got out just in time!” is that actually self preservation or just bullshit?

i’m calling bullshit.

i’m thinking of that saying where the definition of crazy is banging your head against a wall repeatedly and expecting a different result each time. from now on i’m going to do the exact opposite of what i normally do.


sporty periods
August 29, 2008, 7:32 pm
Filed under: rant | Tags:

Did you know Playtex makes a Sport tampon? Yeah, I saw the commercial the other night while watching My Life on the D List.

Of course the stars of the commercial were athletic women doing all kinds of shit. One of them was even riding a bike in white spandex shorts. On her period.

I thought tampons were just an anatomically correct wad of bleached cotton that absorbs the stuff that occasionally comes trickling out of my cervix. I honestly did not think such a wondrous miracle of human ingenuity could be improved upon. So now I can’t decide if my own menstrual experiences are okay or merely subpar. I mean, I’ve had my period for like 12 years now and never once have I had to sit on the couch in sweats for five days due to my usage of economical regular tampons. But I’ve also never biked around in white spandex shorts. Am I missing out? Maybe I should be shelling out $6 for a box of 16 of these things and start embracing all of what life has to offer.

If it were an infomercial, the first scene would be a very average, frustrated looking woman in the bathroom crouching with her legs shoulder width apart. She’d scrunch her face in anger and toss something off camera. Then you’d see a closeup of a pile of tampon applicators, apparently unusable due to faulty workmanship. It would be worse than the times we cleaned our floors with mops and soapy water, or didn’t use 10-ply antibacterial pre-moistened towlettes on the counters. Cut back to her face. She says, “There’s go to be a better way!” And there is. There’s the Playtex Sport, with it’s No-Slip™ grip. Next thing you know, bitch is inserting tampons while hiking with friends and not even breaking her stride.

 Next we’d see a woman trying to get up off the couch. The second she stands up she gets this funny look on her face and looks down. A puddle of blood forms at her feet. “Are you tired of  basically bleeding all over everything every month?” The woman just sheepishly nods and runs off camera. There’s got to be a better way, maybe even better than leaking all over your sweats and god knows what else. There is: The Playtex Sport has unique 360° Coverage™ and a one-of-a-kind backup layer.

Without technologically superior blood-absorbing products, or disposable antibacterial cleaning products, or vitamin enhanced food products, us women would all be slovenly, incapacitated birds.

i did either a very bad or funny thing
August 29, 2008, 11:29 am
Filed under: tmi | Tags:

My ex was at my house on Tuesday morning and he left his email signed in. Three days later when I went to check my own mail I was greeted with “Welcome, John! You have 24 unread messages!”

Well, he always was a lying son of a bitch. And he’s been trying to weasel his way back into my life. I read his email, hoping to find some proof that he’s still talking to the girl he cheated on me with, the one he claims he hasn’t seen since I dumped him. He even went so far as to explain how he’s “off women” in general right now, and all he does is work and visit his kid.

So not only do I find correspondence between him & C., I find no less than 10 responses to personal ads on craigslist in his Sent folder. And they weren’t regular personal ads if you know what I mean. One bragged about his “great” massages, another cheerily professed a love of “licken on tits.” Almost all pointed out his “tite body.” He never was much of a speller.

At that point I had to run to the bathroom cause I have a sensitive stomach.

When I got back from the bathroom, I decided to just finish reading C.’s emails, sign out and get started on the business of being totally fucking weirded out that my ex is trying to get laid via the internet.

Until I got to the message that said, “I wish I was wearing your sweatshirt right now, changing the smell of it.” A few days before I dumped him, I called him out because his sweatshirt had developed a very strong scent of body odor and Victoria’s Secret lotion.

So you wish you were “changing the smell of it?” Well I wish I was forwarding all of those personal ad responses to you right now, which will no doubt change the smell of whatever you’re wearing when you read them.

So I did. All of ’em. And a request to “meet up” with a girl who wrote back. As a finishing touch I sent one last email entitled “Merry Christmas!” in which I explained that the dumb asshole had left his account signed in, and this is what I found. I pointed out that he has repeatedly told me that he has not had any contact with any girls, and definitely not her. Lastly, I let her know that I would’ve broken up with him anyways, but since she chose to involve herself so directly in our relationship’s demise, here you go. You are in like Flynn.

She will not want to read them all but she will. Some will sting more than others but they’ll ultimately blur into a big pile of hurt feelings. It will probably mirror what I felt when I discovered their lengthy text conversations.

What she chooses to do with this information is her problem. I’m sure she’ll get the I-was-in-a-bad-place talk. Wouldn’t be surprised if she bought it. But she’ll keep the gift receipt, she won’t forget.

I did/do feel bad about such an intense violation of his privacy. While considering the ethical implications of the situation, I also considered him stealing my money, hanging out with C. behind my back, lying to me about both, and as the grand finale I imagined him doing a line of coke that my money had inadvertently purchased. Besides, he left his email signed in on my computer. I’m fucking telling you, something up there likes me. No bad karma here.