grow up already


summer yay
May 20, 2008, 3:17 pm
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ok this is such a girls-only thing to whine about but i feel like the majority of my leisure attire is dictated by my bike, and i basically end up looking like a dude. you can’t wear a low cut top on a road bike and you certainly shouldn’t wear sandals with toe clips. otherwise you spend the rest of the night worried about cutting your feet and showing half your boobs to oncoming traffic. doubly concerning when you’ve got big boobies. and a dress? psssh. so it’s like cutoffs, sneakers and t-shirts. all. the. time. boooring.

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thank you
May 16, 2008, 4:42 pm
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to whoever clicked on my blog when they were searching for RUSSIAN CAR GRAVEYARDS



secular kids are just better off
May 16, 2008, 11:33 am
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One of my favorite “slow day at the office” pasttimes is reading the comments on sfgate & sacbee. Of course today is a double whammy- it’s Friday and we’ve got hundreds of responses to yesterday’s Supreme Court ruling. Whenever people start hating on gays, the word “lifestyle” is used a lot. Or the word “agenda.” I have a major problem with that. If someone were to make reference to my lifestyle, they’d mean my job, level of alcohol consumption, dietary habits, drug usage, marital status, etc. But when it comes to gays, implied or not, it’s coming down to sexual relations.  Because really, in these conversations nobody is talking about typical lifestyle characteristics, and there wouldn’t be an “agenda” to mention if it didn’t involve imagined sexual overtones. In essence, these people who have a problem with the gay “lifestyle” are always thinking about man/man or girl/girl sex! Sex sex sex! A same-sex couple can’t even walk down the street without someone making light of what they do in the bedroom (“don’t shove your lifestyle down MY throat!”). Oh really? A who down your what now? And then they go on to label it as “freaky” or “perverted.” They’re peverts? YOU’RE a pervert!

Who’s sitting down their children and explaining things to them they probably don’t give a shit about? And shouldn’t? Let them go ride bikes and play with old cigarette butts out by the pool. Wait that last thing may have just been my parents.

I was raised with a sort of regular moral compass, devoid of hellfire or sin, and by the time I knew what gay meant, I would’ve been more concerned with the fact that they weren’t treated fairly than anything else. And as far as having direct knowledge of how they did the dirty? Never occurred to me. Perhaps this is why I have no problems with it now. I mean, think about it. If you’re a parent who’s all concerned with the abominable sin of homosexuality, your conversations are going to involve, well, the “abominations” of homosexuality. To lay all that on a kid at a young age is pretty unnecessary and, well, gross. We all thought straight people birds n’ bees stuff was weird too. But look at us now, we can’t get enough! However, if we weren’t so inclined by hormones, we may never have gotten over the shock of the “thing” going into the “down-there.” It would still be simultaneously haunting our dreams and weirding us the fuck out. A classic hallmark of unresolved issues. It’s not closeted homosexual tendencies (calling every homophobe a closet case is misguided and hurtful to actual gay people. Are all racists secretly black too?). Don’t lay that shit on your kids. Don’t make them weird forever. Just let it be and they’ll have more compassion than repression.

I forgot my point. Oh well. I’ll just say that in the last few years I’ve felt pretty short-changed history wise. Why did we have to grow up in the age of peak oil, global warming, terrorism and 24 hour news channels? When I was a kid I used to feel sorry for the people who lived and died in the Dark Ages, and I’ve sadly realized this may be the equivalent. But yesterday I felt happy, because something good happened.



so i started drinking again
May 7, 2008, 12:44 pm
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I’ve been reading a lot about addiction as psychological response to circumstances vs. the disease model. I believe that when there’s a realignment of values and goals, when someone finds something more important than their old lifestyle, they may be able to use again in moderation. I don’t really know what I’ve found in particular that’s more important than my old lifestyle. I guess it’s just a culmination of a million little things. I’ve sort of had the desire to get drunk, but not really. I think about hangovers and losing time and motivation and getting home safely and I realize I have a choice. (My coffee tastes like burnt popcorn.)

When you are 15 years old, you don’t have the wherewithal or self reliance to deal with problems, major or minor. It can be something like an unhappy childhood that’s still right on your ass, or feeling like a fucking dork and trying not to. If you start abusing drugs or alcohol to alleviate that stress, you may never stop. However, when you’re 25 or 30, you’re totally different. You DO have the capacity to deal with life on life’s terms, to take care of your wounds.

By now you’ve gotten over the narcissistic self-consciousness and be in a room full of people. Or hell- maybe you haven’t (by the way- you really should work on that). You can go to bed early and use your hangover free Saturday morning to do something better. I realize this now, but I wouldn’t have unless I stopped drinking for awhile. I don’t like the “choice” of never drinking again any more than I liked the compulsion to. A happy, healthy person will choose accordingly.