grow up already

To the guy who made the shitty mp3 of Queen’s “We Are The Champions”
October 26, 2007, 8:32 pm
Filed under: rant

Remember the first, heady days of Napster? (Wait, on that note- remember before Napster? When you had to scour mp3 webrings- remember webrings!?- for shitty homemade Geocities sites that hosted renamed mp3’s that you had to change in fucking DOS to get to work?)

The rise of Napster was like an Indiana-Jones style antidote back then. I remember going apeshit and embarking on all kinds of musical adventures. Songs I loved as a kid, taking chances on unknowns to expand my repetoire, building personal stockpiles of standards.

One of those standards was “We Are The Champions” by Queen. It was the first encounter I had with a really bad mp3. And we’re not talking the modern day iTunes volume-adjustment bad; that shit sounded like someone had held up a microphone to a boombox playing a tape and the boombox was low on batteries. I deleted it upon first listen and forgot about it for awhile.

So fast forward seven years. I’m at a party where the stereo has been hijacked by my boyfriend’s iTrip. We decide to listen to Queen. And from the first notes, I knew he had the same exact rip of that file. You probably have it too. Look up Queen on the old harddrive. Now check out your “We Are The Champions” mp3. If Freddy Mercury sounds like a forlorn drag queen high on opium, or a sleepy Great Dane’s thoughts, you’ve got the same one.

Seven fucking years and nobody has bothered to replace that sorry excuse of an mp3 and spread it around? Who made it? And what, might I ask, the fuck were you thinking? “I’d like to give this em pee three thing a try…I know! I’ll drag out that Queen 20th Century Masters of the Millennium tape I bought at a garage sale five years ago, grab my My First Sony, rig the microphone up the computer, and- uh oh, looks like the Energizer On-Battery Tester is a bit low, oh well. Must. Rip. QUEEN.” This wasn’t the work of someone trying to burn a CD, this was pure tweaker tomfoolery. This was worse than the time my car got put on jacks and moved because I inadvertently parked it in front of a meth lab.

Well, sir, I’d like to extend the world’s most sarcastic thanks to you. Because of you, I haven’t heard a normal version of We Are The Champions in seven goddamn years, unless it was on the radio. I’ve tried downloading it multiple times on subsequent P2P file-sharing networks and I always get your fucking awful version. Even at different bitrates! Riddle me that! Your piece of shit, it seems, will continue to live in mp3 history forever.