grow up already

i did have an abortion in 2004. i have been pro-choice since i was old enough to form an opinion, and i still am. women have been attempting to control their fertility since the dawn of civilization, through any means possible. modern, legal abortion was not invented. it is medical science, progressing to reflect the desires of female human beings. that said, i would not have one again. but i wouldn’t do shouldn’t be what someone else cannot do.

lately i have been thinking about my abortion. or- more succinctly- the baby i did not have. i admit, the following description of conception/life came from a pro-life website (yeah i’ve been reading those, that’s how bad i’ve been feeling!), but i do think it accurately reflects what a pregnancy actually is:

This single cell is now either male or female. This human is unique, i.e., never before in the history of the world has this exact individual human existed. Never again in history will another exactly like this human exist.

I always knew that if I got pregnant, I would have an abortion. It was very simple for me. Unplanned pregnancy = huge fuck up of plans, not OK. So when I found out, I was on it. My pregnancy was over within 28 days of conception. At the time, I felt bad about preventing a human life from happening…at best. But I now realize that what that pro-life website is saying is absolutely true. There will never be another “clump of cells” like the one growing inside of me in 2004. If given enough time, it absolutely would’ve turned into a real human being, and all the ensuing/surrounding lifetimes related to him/her would’ve followed. If given a long enough timeline, it too would have produced offspring.

OK so there’s that. Earlier this summer I read an advice column in which the question was from a woman who had an abortion in her early 20s and subsequently couldn’t have more children. She felt horrible about the one chance she had “thrown away.” I hadn’t thought of that, but the second I read that I began freaking out about not being able to have another kid. And  so, after a couple weeks of this really showing itself to me (in the form of jealousy of a single mom I just met with a beautiful blond little girl who is the same age as the one I didn’t have; in the form of visiting pro-life websites, in the form of looking at pictures of embryos at 6 weeks gestational age, etc.; in the form of desperately wishing I could get pregnant again soon even though I’m not ready nor in a committed relationship), I realized that I am not suffering post-abortion syndrome. It is one of the following:

1. I read that someone who had an abortion (and therefore was once fertile) cannot have children later in life. Since I catastrophasize EVERYTHING, this may very well just fall into that category. In this case, we may chalk it up to anxiety.
2. I’m pretty sure my bio-clock has recently started ticking. I’ve been ambivalent about children my entire life (including the time of my abortion, which probably helped) but lately I’m thinking, Holy shit I’ve got like 9 good years left and I’m not even dating anyone! and I actually do want a kid now. The fact that I did have a real shot at motherhood four years ago, at a very healthy age (although a very unhealthy lifestyle) may be weighing down.
3. I just plain feel bad about the abortion, and it’s taken me four years to do so. I am experiencing so-called “replacement baby” feelings as a result, and my bio-clock is not in fact ticking at all.

Either way, I know two things must happen. One, I must accept and believe that I am not a bad person for what happened. Women do know when we should have children. That is why we have been attempting to control fertility (through abortion or birth control) forever. I knew that not only was I in a shitty, shitty place in life, the person I had pro-created with was a horrible person as well. I thought about raising it on my own. I thought about my own limited resources (financially and otherwise) and came to the conclusion that even if I had many more resources, nothing I alone could do would make up for an ass of a father. At best you are half of the parents, and in my situation, closer to a third. I’m not saying I was destined to have an unhappy child with a fucked up life- plenty of single parents and the beautiful relationships they have with their children prove otherwise. I just didn’t have the faith that I could be that person.

Second, I must stop imagining that I will never be able to have another kid. There is no karmic retribution for having an abortion  (and if there is, it rarely shows up as subsequent infertility- at least according to statistics). There is no punishment. I simply do not have the faith in ever being in a situation where becoming a mother will be a welcome experience! You know, the situation where you and the dad love eachother, and one or both of you has a decent job? I just don’t see it. And that alone is…karmic. To myself. And so, I must have faith that I can and will one day have a baby.